I bought myself the sign in the photo. It seemed fitting to my journey. Realizing, that plan A is no longer the road I am traveling, I am trying to fit in to plan B. In time I know I will figure out how plan B is suppose to look, but for this moment as fitting as it is, I will say, I HATE PLAN B. I was very content in plan A. I wasn't alone in plan A. I had my best friend by my side. We had so many things we were going to do in plan A! I had chose plan A, never did I want plan B!
Constantly asked, "how are you doing?" I am always honest with my response. It is usually, "terrible" or "fair". For me that is as good as I am right now. There are times I feel like I want to respond, "I actually cry everyday, my heart is shattered and I can not seem to sweep up the pieces to put it back together. I have pain like I have never felt. It is difficult to function because half of me is gone." Grieving with the holidays, everything seems intensified! In my mind it seems everyone should be able to see although I look put together, inside I am a complete wreck. While others are enjoying the Christmas music playing as they hustle and bustle through the season, I want to shove earplugs in my head. Christmas will never be the same.
I stand firm in my faith, I hold prayer to a high, and I have always trusted in his plan. Here comes the. . . BUT! But lately I sit in silence wanting to have Christ hear my words, and for the first time in my life, not one word comes out of me. I have always been so connected in my prayers and here I am with nothing. So much I want to say, silence only silence. Where have my words gone, why won't I speak any.
We go through life, believing in a higher being. Saying our prayers, attending church, living a Christian filled life. Then a tragedy happens and our world is rocked. The time we need Christ the most, and I cannot get myself to stretch my hand out to him. I have witnessed numerous friends lose loved ones and they seem to allow their faith to pull them through. They went through this process, what looked so smoothly. I question myself, maybe my faith wasn't as strong as I thought. Please don't get me wrong, faith is still inside me, somewhere. A bit lost at this moment. I quickly realized, I am human. That my mortal mind is confused; God is for us, but I have never felt pain like this. Trust in the Lord, but you took my babies daddy to early. God knows best, but I don't know how to live without Douglas. God hears our cries, well he should be sick of me because I do it a lot! So I am giving myself time to be human, which I guess is what we are, human beings! I am going to do this grieving journey like I have always lived my life, I am going to do it MY WAY! It might not fit the stereotypical mold of grieving. It most likely will not be how most have grieved, please don't judge. It may not look like the best process, but understand I am aware enough, I have put people in place to keep me going on this journey. The worst thing possible is not to fully go through the process, I have already decided it is ok if I go through it 40 billion times. Plus, I know I will grieve for the rest of my life. When you love the way I love Douglas, grieving forever will happen.
I yearn for the day I feel pure joy back in my body. I patiently wait for my smile to be back shining on others. Believing it will happen, all in due time.
Grateful does not seem big enough for what I feel, but please know I am beyond grateful for the outpouring of love, prayers and support the girls and I are still getting! Finding we are loved by many!
As Christmas is two weeks away, please remember the true reason for the season! Love on your family, share precious moments, take lots of photos, and truly BE in the moment! Life together is a priceless thing we all need to appreciate a bit more.
1 Corinthians 13:13
And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.
Love and Blessings to all