Is this normal
Wow as we drove to radiation this morning, I asked Doug, how are you feeling about it being your last radiation. He kept saying I guess fine. We both couldn't believe how fast 6 weeks went by. The more we talked the more I could feel myself filling up with emotions. Keep it together Jack, be strong girlfriend he is doing good, so you need to hold it together!
Then you walk into MSTI and see all the same faces you have seen for the last 6 weeks. Some you know their story and others you just know their faces. But crazy how you feel connected to each of them. As always we were greeted by the sweet receptionist we see every morning, always with beautiful smiles on their faces. "Good morning guys, we will let them know you are here!" "CONGRATS Doug, it is your last treatment!" How nice that sounded, but at the same time how scary it sounded to me. Why is it scary? Why am I not jumping for joy? I had been warned by an amazing person, that Doug might have mixed emotions about the last treatment. Not to be surprised if he is sad. Well, hell he was a champ today, it is his wimpy wife that has struggled.
When we walked into the little waiting room, all I wanted was to see Lindsey. I wanted to be able to say good morning to her one more time. Let her know I pray for her and let her know we were all done. Anxious that she might not be there, I slowly peeked around the corner, low and behold, there sat the beautiful young lady. "Good morning Lindsey!" Her sweet smile of good morning back, just warmed my heart. I asked how things were going and when she would be done. She is doing really well, and her last treatment is on Monday. I wished her my best, that I would to continue to pray for her complete healing and that this was our last treatment. She smiled so big and said CONGRATS! I told her to enjoy her Tuesday. As she walked out, once again the emotions began to build in me.
Doug went back for his treatment, the greatest tech came out in his Weber State scrub and put his arm around Doug and said last one, let's do this! As I sat there alone, I was waiting for this amazing young mom I met 2 weeks ago. She is from McCall fighting breast cancer, with two young kids home in McCall while she comes down for radiation during the week. Please hurry and get here, I wanted to say it has been so nice visiting with her every morning. Thank her for sharing her tender story with me, and to wish her well. But unfortunately Doug was done before she came. WAIT, my husband is DONE. . . D...O...N...E... and I am sad I didn't get to see her. I should be jumping for joy, right, I should be jumping for joy.
I think the sadness comes from a few things. But one that really hits me, is how will I ever know how Lindsey and Teresa's stories end. You become bonded with these people without really even knowing them very well. I am praying that someday our paths will cross and I will be able to see how their stories ended. I am praying for them both to have complete healing and live long, vibrant, healthy lives. Thank you Lindsey and Teresa for coming into my life!
Doug had labs, and while we waited to see the doctor, the Eagle High Volleyball coach walked in, sat and visited with us. What an amazing young lady. So joyful, and such a great perspective on life. Miss Drew was diagnosed with childhood leukemia last fall. She has gone through intense chemo, she is truly an inspiration to me. Thank you Drew for visiting with us this morning.
Labs looked good, weight looked good, blood pressure was good. They kept saying, "Doug you flew through this like a champ!"
How else would we do it. We don't sit around and let something take us over, we hit it head on and we PUT ON A MEAN FIGHT!
Tonight is Doug's last chemo pill until we start the maintenance plan. So we go back in 2 weeks to have labs, and see Dr. Bucur and get the maintenance plan from her.
Walking out of St. Luke's, holding hands like we always did as we walked in and walked out, I could feel a bit of a tighter squeeze on my hand. Was he feeling anxious, was he sad, was he scared, was I completely looking into it to much. So I asked can you believe we are done? He responded NOPE! Oh great, one word answer, he must be having a hard time, he must be scared, he must. . . . . Oh my word Jack, PULL IT TOGETHER!
As we drove home, he says it will be nice not driving Eagle Road every morning. I replied, yes it will. The drive home was a bit quieter than normal, do I question it or just leave it! So I tired to make small talk, what in the world, we have been married for 21 years and I am making small talk. Talking about stupid stuff you would talk about on your first date. It finally hit me. . . . Doug was doing just fine. . . . . I WAS NOT DOING JUST FINE!
Dropped him off at home and I headed to basketball. My dear sweet friend, Jen, was there. She says to me what are you doing here, I thought their would be a celebration lunch or something. I smiled and said no not today, as I walked closer she says how is he doing? Good. How are you doing? Crap, why is it when your girlfriend asks you things like that you just can't hold it together! I began to get tears, so I walked off took a few deep breaths and returned to her. She also had tears in her eyes. She says just the thought that it's over? Wondering if it worked? BAM!!!! She hit the core of the day, I wasn't even aware until she said it to me. WONDERING IF IT WORKED! That was it, my concerns if Doug was anxious, scared, sad, nervous, wasn't him at all. IT WAS ME! I was anxious. . . I was sad. . . I was scared! Pulled it together for ball, and then after allowed myself to finally feel it a little bit. I can still feel it built up inside, the erupting is boiling, one day soon I am sure I will need to truly feel it all. Thank you Jen for bringing me to the core of my whole day. Crazy how assistant coaches do their jobs and they don't even know they are helping a girl out! Love you dear friend!
So I am not sure if it is normal for me to be the one going through all these emotions, but when have I ever been NORMAL! This is my story!
I truly believe the Lord has a plan, through me he is helping others to find him, get to know him, or rekindle a relationship with him. My prayers are for complete healing of my amazing husband and father, but it also includes prayers for my story to touch the lives of many. To have witnesses of the miracles that can come from the power of prayer. I don't say it enough, but every one of you that reads this and leaves me a like or a comment. I see each of your names and I, from the bottom of my heart, hold you close and love each of you!
Love and Blessings to all!