The days seem to come and go. We are enjoying every single second we have. Doug has good days and then we have had some bad days. His vitals have been good, we are keeping his pain level down and he still has an appetite. We had all the girls home last week. I am grateful to the professors and coaches that are being so understanding. And I am beyond proud of my girls that keep pushing forward in their school work in this difficult time.
I have always been real and sometimes very raw in my writings. When I feel I might be so raw it could offend others, I always put out a warning. Remember this is my thoughts about our journey.
I'm pretty good about sharing things and finding strength in situations. But today, well it is more than strength I will share.
When you are thrown into a journey that is challenging, I believe you have a choice. I have talked about the choices you need to make a lot in my writings. But in making choices to be strong, to fight like hell, to stand firm in your faith, to love every situation, to embrace the hard times, and celebrate each small victory, there are moments of weakness, sadness, anger, and disbelief.
It is the moments when I have one daughter (Bentli) runs out the door with tears flowing down her face before she gets outside, with her sister (Z) racing after to make sure she is ok. I realize I can't run out with them, it is me that has to pull it together to try to find some comfort for them. I walk out the door, start searching for them in the dark, to find them sitting up the street a bit on the sidewalk. Bent crying while Z is holding her. I walk up sit down on the sidewalk in my jammies next to them. I immediately say, I'm sorry I should have warned you. See we were changing Doug's shirt and she saw his frail body for the first time. She stared straight ahead and says, it feels like a horrible nightmare and I just want to wake up. Z begins to cry along side her. I wrap my arm around Bent, as she says I want it to go away. Why can't it just go away. I whisper to the both of them, if I could take it away I would. I would take it all away. Z says I know there must be a plan, but I don't understand. Bent follows up with, others survive why can't dad! We sat there in the dark crying. Out of the silence Z says, mom do you think we are all going to get cancer? I quickly replied, no sister I do not think we all will get cancer. They both began to cry extremely hard. I finally was able to say, although we can't see the plan right now, God has to have something big for us. I said I'm going back in the house to check on dad.
I have watched my very strong husband come to have a weak body. With my help is when he can stand, relying on me to hold him up. Food gets in his body only by myself feeding him small bites of food. It is me that holds his frail body on the toilet so he won't slip off. When he gets so sick and can't stop vomiting, I sit there holding the bowl, wiping his mouth, comforting him. Dressing him is my job as well. I tell you this not for pitty for me, I tell you this because through all of this, he looks at me so sincere and whispers "Thank You!" Or when he is sick and I'm cleaning up he whispers "Sorry!" WAIT WHAT! I always respond you are so welcome, but please don't thank me I love taking care of you. Everyone needs to know, this shows his heart, his character, who Doug is! In his weakness, in the moments of complete sickness, he is not drawn into his distress, rather he is only thinking of me. Showing me his complete true love, his selflessness, his compassion. I have been blessed with the best!
We have faced adversity straight on, not letting it define us. I sat in church last Sunday listening to a man speak of his rare disease he had, how sick he was and the prayers he received and the huge miracle he got. Complete healing! This is the real me, it took everything for me to stay seated in the pew. I wanted to walk out, I did not want to listen to his miracle. Don't get me wrong, I love he was blessed with complete healing, but it stirred up my emotions. I hold my faith to a high standard, but I DON'T UNDERSTAND! I don't understand why Doug is going through this, why my girls have to live this, why we are enduring so much pain. I know there is someone out there saying, it is part of life to not always understand. True! But just because we are strong in our faith doesn't mean we don't have moments of not understanding. We have so many praying for us, we have stood steadfast in our faith and we are not getting our miracle. I have thrown up my arms expressing to the Lord I DO NOT UNDERSTAND! I keep praying for complete healing over Doug's body, for comfort to my three girls, and strength put in me.
During this trial there are many things that have been spoken to me. But if you want to see me go into complete rage, because yes I have, say to me you know what I am going through or you understand what I am going through! See I can guarantee NO ONE knows what I'm going through. Until you are caring for your spouse as I am. Trying to comfort and guide your three babies as they watch their dad, their hero, their everything slowly get weak day by day. Along with doing my best to keep two businesses running. Dealing with employees quitting, stealing, not showing up for shifts. Wanting to be home loving on my husband, but going back to work at the Burger Den so I can pay bills. Scared to death what might happen, not just lose my best friend but possibly lose my main income. Stressed beyond measure! Until you have all that, DO NOT, I mean DO NOT tell me you know what I'm going through! Because as fast as you say it, I will walk away from you.
Numerous people have expressed, "you are the strongest person I know", " your strength is unbelievable", "you shine Christ's love through your smile". Let me just say as strong as I have been I have wept an enormous amount of tears. The strength might be unbelievable, but there are days it is your prayers that keep me up right. The smile I share. . . it is real! Which in turn should show you all Christ is real! My battle continues, our game plan has changed, we are playing a new defense, but never have I subbed out my number one player who is The Lord above!
I find myself more weepy, confused and not understanding. I notice husbands with their wives more, and a lump in my throat arises. I see daddies with their babies and as fast as I want to run up to them and tell them to cherish each second, I turn away and let tears well in my eyes. My journey is ongoing and although I have moments of weakness, my heart is full of love, my soul is filled with memories and my life has been blessed my many.
So if you find yourself facing adversity, face it head on! Remember it is a choice with what you want to do with it. Find blessings in each day, put joy back in your life, show compassion to as many people as possible, love and love unconditionally, trust in your faith, and allow yourself to be weak!
Love and Blessings to all