Good morning sweets!
Life has been extremely hard without your physical body here next to me. My days seem to run together and I lose track of time. My mind is a fog a lot of the time, I'm not sure if it is all the multitasking I am doing or the grief that has set in. Either way it is very annoying.
I am shocked at how life continues to go on all around me, when I'd love for it to just pause, allowing me to catch my breath. As much as I miss you your girls miss you just as much. We talk about you often and giggle at the silly times we shared. They always know what you'd be saying to them at different incidents they go through. Tears are shed often selfishly, wanting you here with us.
You would be so proud of all the things I am doing on my own, I can hear you saying "Jack I knew you could do it"! Decisions are a lot harder not being
able to bounce them off of you, but I feel your presence every time I need confirmation of my choices. It is the messages I still get from friends and strangers that you are still touching lives that brings me comfort and peace to my soul. Team Corta bracelets are frequenting many and #spreadingDougslove tee shirts are made. The girls and I will keep on sharing your legacy, your smile, your love.
These last two years I have allowed air to enter my lungs to which has kept me alive. In my eyes not living just surviving. Your voice has been clear and I will do my best this next year. I miss you immensely!
Love your guts. . . PROMISE!
It is absolutely crazy two years of my life have already gone by so fast and as slow as it could. This roller coaster I am riding is no where near the actual fun you have on those you ride at amusement parks. You jump in pull the bar down to secure yourself, intense excitement flows through you as the chains start pulling you to the top. Slowly building adrenaline that the fall is about to proceed, knowing in about three minutes you will securely return to the platform and step off. But not before you are tossed around, whipped side to side and whirled upside down. I now realize the best part is YOU GET OFF!
The "grief" roller coaster, as my counselor calls it, is one I most likely will ride for the rest of my life. I was thrown in the front seat, strapped downed and never told to hold on. This coaster moves a bit slower at times and hits mach three for moments. Reaching the top of the steep inclines is where I find the sense of happiness, to which it never fails I start to slide, like ice being warmed on a windshield, I feel myself breaking apart and declining towards the depths. I finally land in the belly of the drop off and the next incline; this is where my utmost meltdowns occur. Shooting you straight up to the top of the next incline does not happen. There is the gradual climb that begins, these are the occasions I mostly live in today. I can function without tears occurring, my smile is present with a bit of hope radiating. Just when I think I'm reaching the height of the next incline mach three sets in and bolts me directly into the upside down loop. The cycle keeps rolling as the ride continues. It stalls at the base, I find myself taking steps up the incline and I'm noticing more time is being spent coasting towards the top.
The second year was definitely harder than the first, which seems absolutely crazy. I am waiting for that aha moment that I have read about and heard about, where loved ones left behind have an awakening of sorts. Their life is "restored", they find a new path or they accomplish honoring their loved ones life. My plan is just to stay true to myself, my love for Douglas and my three girls. No "aha" moment needed just yet, or possibly ever.
I will keep putting one foot in front of the other, welcoming "triggers" as they spring up and continue to support and love on my three girls. My heart hurts extra today, tears flow more easily this time of the year and the yearning... it will be forever.
Love and Blessings to all