What I wasn't told about losing your spouse.

What I wasn't told about losing your spouse. I have slowly learned. That this is the worst pain you could ever feel. That although you walk through the day with a smile on your face, majority of the nights are filled with sadness. They forget to tell you, no one will truly help you! You get to walk trying to figure out how to do things with just half of you, see half of you died the day your spouse died.

I wasn't told you would live in doubt, not sure you were living and grieving how you were suppose to be. Doubting every step you were taking. They forget to tell you crying until you puke IS REAL and it sucks doing it alone. No one tells you how to handle those humans that ask you something and when you say give me some time to think about it they respond, why you don't have anyone to talk it over with. By the way you are so damn lucky I didn't throat punch you! The word lonely is brought to new heights. You discover a different more consistent lonely. They don't tell you that while you sat and listened to people make promises to your dying husband that after he was gone, you would watch alone as they went COMPLETELY AGAINST every promise they made to him. No one prepares you that you will also lose family after your spouses death. Plus who was in charge of letting me know many souls become hardened and numerous become selfish. They don't tell you you will be SCARED TO DEATH! Plus who was in charge of telling me how to continue to live, because some days it doesn't feel worth it. (NOT the suicidal kind of not living), just the I don't give a damn about my house, yard, car, businesses, lay in my bed all day not living. I wasn't told every ache or shortness of breath doesn't mean you may have cancer, that's just your mind playing tricks. They also don't tell you while you try to grieve you have to be a solid rock for your girls. I wasn't told the girls will become angry, depressed and verbally speak of committing suicide and it is you that will hold them together. No one tells you you will never be the same person and some that loved the old you won't really like the new you. They also don't tell you you just may become a better you. No one tells you although you are trusting in the Lord's plan and you believe there is a greater something, that it is ok to scream LIAR! HE doesn't judge and he knows you will see the truth. He above all will stand patiently by your side waiting to help. He won't tell you, it has been long enough, let's move on. He says I will sit with you as long as you need! Love and Blessings to all!