I thought you were coming home today.
Standing in the kitchen I was visiting with Z about her job, how she needed to get back to Utah. When the sensation hit me that that was where you were. You had been in Utah for the past 20 months. Z kept explaining to me how I needed to be in Utah, we began trying to figure out how to get me there. I expressed all the difficulties I had at work and there was no way I could. I immediately saw you standing in a parking lot in Utah. My heart raced to get to see you and throw my arms around you.
BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!
My eyes opened staring at the empty side of the bed, my alarm still beeping. I hit the snooze button as fast as I could and closed my eyes tight.
There you were begging me to come to Utah, why hadn't I known you had only gone to Utah. Doing my best to figure out how I would get there, you were now standing in a grassy area surrounded by big beautiful pine trees. The scent of your cologne was as present as if I had sprayed it in my face. I could hear your voice as clear as day, "Jack! Jack!" Then your beautiful smile and a quick wink were given to me.
BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!
Damn! Why does this beeping keep happening to me. I struggled to open my eyes, reached over to hit my alarm off and wiped away a slowly falling tear. I sat on the edge of my bed and just yearned for his presence, his mighty arms to wrap around me and whisper in my ear "good morning beautiful". Silence. . . Only the ticking of the clock from my bathroom could be heard. That great sensation of Doug's presence was rapidly stripped from me.
Got myself ready for work feeling a bit of a grey cloud in my aura. As I walked in to the Burger Den I was greeted with bubbly good mornings. I quietly said good morning and headed straight for the coffee, because coffee makes everything better, so I thought. Pouring my coffee Bentli says, mom what's wrong. Ugh, I am not doing a very good job hiding my emotions this morning. I gave her the cut down version of having a dream about dad. Explaining to her how as comforting as it is to have him in my dreams, it always scrapes part of the scab off.
Even 20 months later I still get feelings he will walk through the door. I look at pictures on my phone and immediately get sucked into it. As if poltergeist pulls me in and I can feel the exact moment, I can hear everything that was happening around us. It makes my mind play tricks on me, for a brief second I actually feel like he IS coming home. Then I am pulled from the screen, slapped in the face and reality says he IS NOT coming. I argue with myself in my head and most of the time end up in tears.
After this length of time the bleeding is still on going and the shattered heart is still lying on the ground in a million pieces. I have tried my best to start to put some of the pieces back together but I'm finding they do not fit like they use to. It is taking me more time figuring out how they could possibly adhere to each other. Then when I try to put pieces together I get frustrated and just throw them back to the ground. Which I have come to the realization I get to do my grief HOWEVER I WANT TO! So shattered heart you may lay there for years in a huge pile of rough edged, chipped up, cracked pieces. However, it is still beating and still allowing life to beam from it.
He heals the brokenhearted
and binds up their wounds.
Love and Blessings to all!