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Oh My Love

Oh my love~

I have lived 16 months and 20 days without your physical body next to me. It has tried me, taught me, changed me, it has made me numb and made me feel. It has been the hardest 16 months and 20 days of my life.

It had been close to 2 years since I slept in our bed, which I snuggled you in my arms. I found the courage to take my breaking down body back to our bed. Lights were left on, tv running as I laid there sobbing. Another craziness of my grief, who knew the bed you shared with the love of your life could scare the living shit out of you.

It has been 3 1/2 weeks and each night still brings on a bit of anxiousness. Although I have turned lights off, ok let's be real I have downsized to a nightlight, tv still runs and Gus (our Yorkie) snuggles right up against me every night. The warmth of our bed is no longer there, but I'm slowly finding comfort laying where we shared some intimate moments. Snuggling, solving the worlds problems, planning our future and expressing what we both wanted for our three girls. I am sorry for taking advantage of our bedtime conversations and possibly falling asleep as you spoke. What I would give to have those sometimes meaningless conversations again.

Today we would be celebrating our 24th wedding anniversary. As I sit here this evening I remember the night before our wedding, the rehearsal dinner with both our families and friends. Anxious for the next day, you kissed me goodnight and said I can't wait to see you tomorrow. You paused for a moment and finished, Jack I love you and can't wait to spend the rest of my life with you! Oh my love you got to spend the rest of your life with me! I am so grateful I fell in love with you at 15, when everyone was thinking I was crazy. I am beyond thankful I married you at 19 and spent the best, most trying, mountain climbing, smooth sailing, love filled 22 1/2 years with you.

Today I want you to know all the while we were together, both in our physical bodies, you had been preparing me for the future. I had no idea you were doing it at the time. As my head is starting to be more clear I'm seeing all the things you knew I would need to know to survive without you, to continue to grow our girls and to run a successful business.

Douglas my love, today I want to thank you for loving me the way you did. For walking beside me as my life partner, never in front nor behind. You encouraged me when I needed it and you reeled me in when I also needed it.

My love you blessed me with 3 amazing girls that you fathered like every dad should. You instilled in those babies at such a young age to live life. To be strong and believe in themselves no matter what others said or thought of them. You provided them a comfort I'm finding I don't have. They have taken on your need for shoes, your OCD on keeping your cars clean, your smart ass remarks, your love and protection for me, and your amazing smile. Thank you for being such a fabulous dad for such a short period.

As my heart still aches for you, and I miss you every single day, it is seeing you come through those girls that brings me peace.

Happy Anniversary Douglas! I loved you first, I loved you the longest, but you always said you loved me the mostest!

Love you. . . Promise!



Today as my anniversary gift I am asking every single person reading this to share your love with a loved one. Grab a coffee for your love, post something endearing on social media, take flowers to your mom or dad, make that phone call telling someone you love them or what they mean to you. Write a hand written note and leave it somewhere to be found. Go for a walk, sit on the couch, snuggle a bit at church, but do it all HOLDING HANDS!

Today I want LOVE TO BE SPREAD to many, as if he was here showering it on me!

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Love and Blessings to all

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