Reflection in the mirror
"How are you doing?' Before I can even answer it is usually followed up with, "you look great." So do I answer how I am, or just say thanks for the compliment. In a millisecond my head is filled with; do I really tell them how I am, will they be able to handle what I have to say, do they honestly care, so I almost always respond, "hanging in there."
She looked the same, she also sounded the same, although as I sat there staring at her I did not know who she was. A bit confused because I had known her all my life, The outer shell looked just like her, but the inside was completely different. It was then I realized I was looking in a mirror.
I kept staring, thinking I would recognize myself, not one thing, there was not one thing I could find inside that was the same. I began to cry. Here I stood looking at myself in a mirror and I felt like a complete stranger. It has been very difficult getting to know this new Jacki. I find glimpses of the old one, but mostly a new version has taken home. I observe it has become a bit of a challenge for those in my life to figure out this new version. As much as some don't like her, I think she is here to stay for awhile. I also at times don't like her,and it has been a strenuous time with her.
""Do not be fooled by what your eyes perceive; weakness comes a crossed as strength; sadness can be seen in a smile; love will forever be"
As much as I thought the tears would lessen, the heartache would slightly fade, and the overwhelming need of Doug's presence would tone down, I have been carelessly wrong. Hitting the 10 month mark without his physical body with me, I hoped to be doing better than I actually am. Wait, what the hell do I mean "hoped to be doing better", what does that even look like. How do I know how I should be, or should not be. Stop comparing yourself to others that have lost loved ones. Stop comparing yourself to others that have felt the loss of Doug. Would you just be where you are, and experience what you need to experience. Oh that's what I love to hear, telling myself what I tell others. Why is it, advice that I give out somehow comes back to repeating in my self talk.
My days are empty, and my thoughts willow back and forth. I ponder my life alone, and that always brings me to tears. The strength I once had seems to be gone by the way side, those are the days I sit in my jammies in Doug's chair and do nothing. I cry for his presence, and his tender touch. I feel like there is no one in my corner anymore. The vast feeling of loneliness almost consumes me. At the breaking point of a paralyzing meltdown, it is then I hear his voice. As if he is sitting next to me. "Jack, what is going on, this is not what I want you doing. Pull yourself together!"
I know he would be so angry with all the tears I have shed, all the time he would say I have wasted on missing him.
So as quick as you might think I am so strong, please understand as a grieving wife, mother and business owner I do a superb job of coming across as strong or put together. The last two titles, mother and business owner, promote me to looking as if I am traveling this path of grief with flying colors. In all actuality it is just a camouflage to my real self. My girls would not get through this with me curled up in a ball in my closet, my businesses would not survive without me being present. That is why I come across as being so strong, when really it is just survival mode. I am at this point traveling in survival mode. That is all I know how to do.
Weakness pretty much rules me. I struggle to find my way on "plan B" . In fact I have dug my heels in fairly deep. Thanks but no thanks, I really don't want to do plan B, plus I have know idea how to survive in plan B. So go right ahead and bring me plan A back. Which I know in my head can not come back to me. But I knew what plan A looked like, what plan A felt like, what expectations plan A had for me, plan A was my comfort. I'll admit, as good as if feels to have my heels dug in pretty deep, plan B will blossom into something extraordinary. It is just going to take some time to loosen my heels and begin to feel adjustments to it.
I am that "do it myself" kind of girl. I do not need any help from anyone, I will figure it out on my own. Well that has slapped me across the face. Realizing I can not do this alone, I do need help, and I am struggling to figure it out on my own. With that, I will be starting counseling, hoping to get tools to find my way. Trying to accept that it does not mean I am weak, because I need a counselor. That is a hard one for the girl that thinks she can do it herself!
Love and Blessings to all