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Today I weep

It has been a busy few weeks. Bentli and Demi started basketball, Z turned 20. . . wait did I say 20? How can that be, man how she is catching me! Doug finished his 2nd cycle of chemo. Seems to be managing this chemo so much better than the other. Yesterday he started his 3rd cycle, the first 3 days are the hardest getting back on. Just wipes him out a bit. We are headed back to Seattle in December for another MRI, believing in a good report. Today has been a bit harder for me. I have a dear friend that I spoke to one day when it was not a good day. She said to me, Jacki you need to listen to God, sit in silence and hear what he says. I responded, he says, weep my child, weep! So today Mindi, I am weeping! My heart is sad today. I know I am a warrior, I know I am strong, I know I have the faith, but I also know I have these sensitive emotions that have come to the surface today! See my dad is in the early stages of Alzheimer's (some might not have known that), and has not been doing very well. He fell on the ice yesterday and went to the ER. Pulled collarbone, sprained shoulder, and fractured elbow. My best friend and soul mate is battling the biggest battle he will ever face. Today I am feeling like I am losing the 2 most important men in my life, so today I weep. Please know this is not a sign of weakness, this is being real. It amazes me how something can consume your every day. Every day I deal with cancer, it is never far from my thoughts. Bills are still coming in, meds are taken daily, doctors appointments are being scheduled, doctors are calling, labs are being done, and i am constantly watching Doug's every move. Has he changed, are things okay, is he not feeling well, why is he not feeling well, does he need something from me, can I help in any way. Every day cancer is in my thoughts. I am realizing how much our lives have changed since the diagnosis. Until you are walking in my shoes, Doug shoes, or my 3 girls shoes, you really won't quite understand it completely. I see people enjoying things, or doing things, or going places, and I catch myself wondering what their story is. Then I catch myself a bit sad, that my journey right now is not enjoying those things, doing those things, or going to those places. Selfish? I guess maybe. But I allow myself to be for a moment. Life is a bit different when you are put in the path of cancer. I never truly realized how it would change your life. You do look at things differently, people differently, and situations a lot differently. I believe I am going with a new outlook, maybe not that cancer has consumed me, but it has joined our family. So.....brain cancer, WELCOME TO THE FAMILY! You have joined 5 of the most amazing people you could have picked. I am sorry I did not welcome you with open arms, and it has taken me 9 months to actually welcome you. We have an extremely tight bond us five, and letting you in was a bit hard. We are a family of faith, so you need to know we pray for each other and for everyone's well being. One of the biggest prayers we say is for you to actually leave our family. Your visit has been long enough, and we can do without you being around. I always tell my girls, you are exactly where you are suppose to be at the exact time, so you are here for the exact reasons. Now we might not fully know your reason for being here, and that there might be more lessons to be learned from you. My eyes are open to all lessons. Doug's eyes are open to all lessons, and those 3 beauties I call my girls, their eyes are wide open to all lessons. See you didn't even know it but we have learned so much already from you. There is a part of me that needs to thank you. Thank you for rejuvenating my faith. Thank you for reminding us 5 life is really good, just being a family home on the couch. Thank you for showing us life is not about materialistic things, its about living a Christ filled life with each other. Funny thing happened last week. Z sends me a text, "mom I know I am 20 and can make my own decisions, but would it be okay to talk to the paper here in Ogden? They want to do a story on dad and his cancer and the team supporting me." I seriously had to giggle, they seem like they are growing up,but then they fall back on to us. I love it! The paper in Ogden did an amazing story on her, I bawled like a baby. To hear her words of how she was feeling, just broke my heart. But also she showed such a strong young lady. Man I have been blessed with some amazing girls! I will do my best to attach it to this page. Basketball season has started for Bentli and Demi, if you know me at all, that is my passion. I love watching them play. I have been blessed to do what I love doing, coaching girls basketball. Cody Pickett asked me to join his coaching staff at Eagle High, I could not be more excited. The gym is where I find peace, so for 2 hours every day I get to go to the gym and not think about cancer. All my energy goes to these young ladies lives, helping them with basketball and teaching them a few life lessons along the way. Thank You Cody, you have no idea what this has done for my soul! Truly blessed I am...truly blessed! As I was going into the salon today, Doug is getting ready to leave. I asked him where he was going. He said running to the High School and then to St. Luke's to be with Cindi and Dax. I was completely shocked. See Dax had his tonsils and adenoids out today. How thoughtful of him to go sit with my sister, since I was working. I am loving this sensitive side that has become so abrupt! So as I had my weeping party today, I am coming to terms with, it is okay to have a day to weep. That I don't have to always be so strong. See when we trust and engage in Christ he can do all things. Today that was carrying me! As Thanksgiving is around the corner, stop for a moment each day and be thankful for something, someone or some situation. Say a quick prayer for them. Look deep at what you might be thankful for, don't just settle for family, jobs and your home, really be thankful for everything. I am thankful, for I see the sun shining a bit brighter these days. Although the snow caused terrible roads, did you look at your trees, or up on the hill, complete beauty. God is shining all around us! I am thankful for the journey I am on. It has put life and life's importance clearly in my path. Psalm 106:1 Praise the Lord. Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good; his love endures forever. Love and Blessings to all!

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