Today I Cried
So I have had this message in my thoughts for a couple of weeks. I pondered if I needed to share it, or just hold onto it. It was a message I received the other day that made me realize I needed to share it. The message stated things like, thanks for being so open, you are so inspiring, your words touch my heart every time I read your blog, your real ness is what I love the most. I kept hearing . . . Real ness. . . Real ness. . . REAL NESS! That is when I decided it was what I needed to do, I needed to share it.
This could possibly be the most REAL blog I write. I am going to be completely raw, open and honest. This blog is for all those that have experienced what I am experiencing. Your story might be different, but what we experience is the same. My story is with my husband, yours might be your wife, your mom, your dad, a sibling, a friend, or a child. Please keep an open mind, and if you start to read this, make sure you read all the way to the end!
I have talked about our journey. I have talked about our trials. I have talked about my faith. I have talked about lots of experiences, but I need to talk about me. Ok wait, does that sound conceited? Well, I guess that's ok, because this blog is going to be about me!
If I was going to give this blog a title, it would be. . . Today I Cried!
I'm coming to question, would it just be easier to lose a loved one in an accident. It is quick, it is done immediately and there is no time to think. With an illness, yes you get time to prepare, you get time to say your good byes, you get to love on them knowing time is short lived. But at the same time, you get to see your loved one who was so strong become weak, you get to feel the sadness as they struggle, you find yourself consumed by so many things. Every little thing your mind goes straight to is this the end.
Although you have your loved one here with you, you begin to miss them. I miss dancing in my kitchen being goofy with Doug. He was the one who drove me everywhere, now I drive him everywhere. I miss having both his arms around me, holding me and knowing he would always keep me safe. Now I hold him, comforting him, telling him I love taking care of him. I miss the strength he portrayed as a husband and father.
It is me that is trying to keep my family together, all the while I want to fall apart. See life doesn't slow, because your husband has cancer. So you battle with yourself, keep businesses going to support my family or spend time with your husband. Bills don't stop coming, family needs are always there, girls need this, girls need that, things fall apart at the restaurant that you have to deal with. The stress of your sick husband, plus the stress of wondering how your three babies are truly doing, and you add in the simple things of a daily routine and yep my insides feel explosive some days. But I know it is me that keeps this family in check right now, so I find something to soothe that explosive feeling.
While there is a lot of stress, there is also the frustration that comes to me. Getting ready for the day is not just me putting myself together, I now have to put Douglas together also. With very little help because of the weakness in his left side. I get started doing something and I am called to help get him to the bathroom. I get pills ready, I give him pills, I get his breakfast, lunch, and dinner for him. As soon as I sit to relax I am called to get more water, or take him to bed, or back to the bathroom. Frustrated it is me doing everything. We had an agreement at the start of this marriage, 50/50, we did everything 50/50. Where did that go! Frustrated it is me that is wakened in the middle of the night to help use the bathroom, just get back to sleep because I don't sleep well, and I am called to help him roll over because the weakness keeps him from doing it by himself. Frustrated beyond words that CANCER is slowly taking my husband from me. None and I mean NONE of those frustrations I talked about above are towards my sweet husband! All those frustrations are completely towards cancer! Remember in our wedding vows we said, in sickness and in health. Because our loved ones get sick, does not mean if we get frustrated it is a bad thing. We are human and have true feelings. I could never get frustrated with Douglas, it is him that is always telling me he is so sorry. Baby there is no need to ever apologize to me for taking care of you. Don't ever apologize because of what cancer is doing to our family. I know what kind of husband you are, I know the amazing father you are to our girls, I know how strong of a man you have always been. I won't allow cancer to change my mind on any of that.
Just when I am thinking the day is going to be a good day, I have it all together, I am plowed over. See it is me that gets the text or phone calls, mom, yeah, I am going to class with swollen eyes because I have cried all night. Sister, I am so sorry, but you know what, you are still beautiful. It is me that hears the sheer heartache when they say, mom I'm scared! It is me that listens to tears stream down their face as they try to get the words out as they are bawling, saying I don't understand those that treat their dads with little respect. It is me that holds them as they talk about seeing posts of friends having dad's weekend with their dads, and it is the pure fact that they know Douglas can't just drive to see them. It is me that when I console or cry with them, has to pull it together to keep us all going.
I was never aware how damaging cancer could be. See if we allow it it could actually tear a family and home apart. I have chose to NEVER allow that to happen to my family and home. I have been rock solid. I have been steadfast in my faith. I have been support to many. I have been an inspiration and warrior. I have had many support me. And today, I have cried!
Because although I have been so strong, the real ness is my love of my life is facing death. My heart aches, my mind wanders and I struggle to grasp what my girls are going through. My love for Douglas has grown beyond what I thought it ever could be. So at the moment I want to scream and cry and throw a fit about what cancer is doing in our lives, I am reminded of what it is doing in our lives!
The love between two people has blossomed into a beautiful love story. Strength has been shown to a family that was already pretty strong. Faith was restored and brought to the front line. Being real, and being true to who we are has inspired. A story of a journey with cancer, our story and journey has brought peace, comfort, love, reminded those of patiences, to love and love big time, to have compassion, and project compassion, to just be.
So with all the stresses, with all my frustrations, with all the me time that is pushed aside, I would walk this journey over and over and over again right by your side Douglas. Holding the bowl while you puke, rubbing your head when the pain was so bad, wiping your tears as we cried together, dressing your cute butt when you couldn't do it, holding you in MY arms feeling YOU protect me, learning what a warrior looks like, a champion, a true champion! So if we could go back in time, I would grab your hand, stand firm in my stance and I would say to cancer, BRING IT ON you do not scare me!
My heart is full of so much love for my little family of five. The rest of this journey we are not sure how long it will be, but we will make it the best of times! We hold onto a miraculous victory from God, but trust in his plan for us!
A dear friend sent me this, so I wanted to share.
"As we make Christ the center of our lives, our fears will be replaced by the courage of our convictions."
Love and Blessings to all