I jumped in the car after the basketball tournament my AAU team played in this past weekend. Grabbed my phone and realized I didn't have that one person to call. To say, "you wouldn't believe this team." "My girls played amazing!" Tears filled my eyes.
Let's be real, and I am going to be very raw. These are the things I miss, and some things I seriously took for granted. See it was Douglas that would always answer my calls, "how was the game babe?" Followed with, "those girls are lucky to have you as their coach." Here was the first games I have coached without Douglas as my #1 cheerleader, and my broken heart started to weep. No one to call, no one to share my true joy, no one that understood how much I love coaching. A sense of loneliness hit me straight in the face.
I miss his physical body to hold, I miss his soft hands caressing my cheeks, I miss his voice and I miss his smell. So when I am alone I sit in our closet with his clothes surrounding me. I sit clasping onto his blanket, with my head buried in it. I am also finding I am missing more simple things, more tender things, more things I thought I would never miss.
For two years I was with him 24/7, going to doctors, seeing sweet MSTI nurses, and visiting with other patients. I not only miss seeing those doctors, nurses, and patients; but I miss Doug's interaction with them. A softness, he had a softness for them all. His heartfelt ways, of caring for others even when he was facing his biggest trial.
I miss having someone to take care of, I miss his dirty socks, I miss having to clean the toilet seat and floor, because for some reason boys miss! I find myself teary when little things arise; no one to scratch my back when I cannot reach it, no one to sit on the couch and throw my feet up on, and with the bat of my eyes have a full foot massage. I miss having a sidekick next to me constantly, I miss toothpaste in the sink, I miss getting ready for softball season, and I miss hearing "I love you. . . Promise" the most.
The loneliness is probably the hardest, and my voice has become more silent. Sunday football on TV just doesn't seem the same alone. No one to tell where I am headed or what my plans are for the day. No one to bounce ideas off, or get genuine advice. I miss the blunt responses when I'd ask his opinion, and his giggle when I'd say, "who asked you." No one to help me out on which pair of shoes look best with the outfit I have on, even if I wouldn't wear the ones he said looked best. It's just having someone here to ask.
I miss him telling me how beautiful I am, and how he couldn't wait to grow old with me. I miss having a companion and the intimacy of our friendship. Doing this journey by myself, I am finding very difficult. Decisions are my own and planning is for only me. I really miss having him take care of me, loving on me, and being the best husband a girl could ever want.
I could type hundreds of paragraphs on all the stuff I miss, but I am pausing here with what I have said.
I am grateful for all the things I miss, even though it rips my heart to pieces. The love story Douglas and I shared is one for the record books. We were each other's right hand man and partners in crime. I will forever miss every thing Douglas gave me, did for me, and taught me.
Look at your lives, your relationships, your marriages, what would you miss? No seriously answer it, what would you miss? Now slow down in your journey, appreciate every single thing you answered a bit more.
1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.
Love and Blessings to all