Dear Grieving self~
Yesterday we went to church, it was so refreshing to be in the house of The Lord. You did really well fighting back your tears. I want you to know, I am right here whenever you are ready. See I am giving you all the time you need to be in the pit of sadness. But I will tell you, in the depth of our sorrow, there is the sun that comes up each morning, there is a life to live, to do amazing things.
I feel the hurt, the anguish, the complete sense of emptiness that has filled our self. But I hang on by this little string of hope that in due time life will be restored in us, not just going through the motions. For there is purpose which we need to complete, I understand you cannot see or feel that at this time. But in my prayers every night, I pray for healing, for the utmost powerful surge be put on your heart to have pieces bandaged back together. That the fog be lifted from your brain and clarity fill it.
Please don't get stuck in the grieving process, as I am trying to help you go straight through, feeling each stage, recognizing the process and of course learning as we go.
You are getting really good at "faking" it! There are times I am sitting back letting that happen, but please be prepared I will not be letting it happen all the time. Remember we need to be focusing on ourself, do not let outside grief consume our journey. All grief is different for others, how they handle it, how they express it and how you take it. You would be selfish to think everyone needs to be on your track. This includes our three beautiful girls.
Together we will not allow the darkness to settle in our heart. We together will find the path to greatness. Where joy will be filling our ever being. And Christ will once again beam from our smile, our touch, and our voice. I promise you I will forever be right with you and will never leave you!
The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
Please understand as I weep for Douglas and our heart aches for his presence, I know you and The Lord are by my side. Let's be honest, it is very hard to feel right now, I struggle remembering what a joyful life is. Our joy was filled with Douglas, in which makes the tears flow down our face and our heart ache. I question if I will ever feel joy again.
I am grateful you are not pushing me to the end of grief and granting us to be where we are at. It will take your strength to help guide me, along with the love of Christ, that I still feel in my heart. Yes, I have no understanding and it confuses me; the pain he has put on us by taking Doug home so early. It just does not seem fair! There I said it.
As you sit in the wayside while I try to process this extremely hard time in our life, I know it is going to take a very long time to find our new normal. I will not put an exact time, see you can not do that to a heart that is as broken as our heart is.
For the last 20 months it has been you, the power of strength, the rock of the family, the extreme fighter that I would not want to meet in a dark alley, that has held it together. Never swaying from what you stood for. Not allowing yourself to even think about starting to grieve the slowly failing health of our husband.
24/7 with Douglas by my side for the last 20 months, and now completely alone has only intensified the grief we are feeling. It is the 1000 pound pressure I feel on my chest when I can't breathe, it is the ache in my heart that makes me feel sick to my stomach, it is the tears that never seem to end. I know my fuse is short, I am quick to snap with my words, I quickly anger when I witness children not appreciate their parents, or a wife not fully love and appreciate her husband. I also know I would never want this pain extended to anyone to show them how precious life is.
So for now, my heart will ache, the tears will flow and my world will stay turned upside down.
Love, Grieving self
Dear Grieving self
I completely hear every word you are saying. Baby steps, baby steps are what we will take. And we will take them together!
When you can't catch your breath, rely on my strength you have always felt. When your heart aches to the point of sickness, lay in the arms of Jesus to comfort you. When tears stream down our face and can't stop them, let them flow like a raging river. It is a release we both need to experience.
The love, the bond, and the time we had with our best friend, and husband will forever live on. Through our actions, our three girls, and the life we will now live.
Patience is our word of choice. We will have patience as we travel this journey of grief, Christ will be patient with us as we work through the challenges of grief, and we will in the end be filled with a new understanding, a new joy, a deeper relationship, and a great curriculum for us to share!
Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.
Love and Blessings to all