6 Months

August 20, 2016

So the 5th and 6th of each month seem to stick out in my heart. Although Doug passed on the 6th of November, the 5th was an extremely hard day. So as the 6 month mark came near, I could feel emotions building. So yesterday morning (the 5th) I jumped in my car and drove to Ogden to watch Z play softball. Alone for 4 hours as I drove, my mind wondered a bit and tears welled in my eyes. But as the sun beamed down on me I was reminded; although I feel as if I'm still in the middle of a huge storm with my life, the sun does come out after every storm. 


I sat in the stands, the first time back to Weber State, alone. My forever side kick not sitting with me. As I watched Z warming up a huge lump in my throat began to build. Tears were filling my eyes and any second I was going to be in a full cry session. I looked down at my phone trying to pull myself together and I hear, "so good to see you Jacki" I looked up and he continues, " how are you doing dear?" Before I could answer he says,"the best you can be I'm sure" I smiled and said yes hanging in there. He then says,"did you come alone" I shook my head and he said "glad you did" Benson, Thank You for your sweet words. This may sound crazy, but those simple words meant so much to my weepy soul at that moment. It was again a few moments later when a beautiful soul sat next to me. She says, "hello" as she sits down she says "how are you holding up" before I could respond she says,"the best you can be" I said yes, I'm doing ok. She finishes with, "it's good to see you here". Thank you Jeanie for sitting next to me and being so kind. 


I am finding out in this process people do not know how to approach me. I don't think it's actually me, maybe it's my situation of being a grieving wife. But I have soon realized, it is easy to be passed by, don't make eye contact with, and if words are spoken to me they seem to get jumbled together. How are you, I mean, are you ok, wait I know you are not. Honestly simple words or just a hug mean the most! 


I enjoyed the day seeing my girl Z and having a slumber party in her dorm room. I had never stayed in a dorm, guess I can cross that off my bucket list! I laid on the mattress on her floor talking myself out of crying myself to sleep. I watched the time as it hit the exact time Doug passed 6 months earlier. My mind went back to that exact moment. I could see, feel, smell everything as if I was there. My heart began to beat extremely fast and felt as if it was going to pound out of my chest. Couple deep breaths and some serious self talk to myself and I had gotten myself calmed down. Then my mind took over again, what was tomorrow (6th) going to be like. Would I cry all day, does Z even realize it is the 6th, is she going to be ok, should I get up in now what is morning and leave, or do we hang out. So as she woke she says want to go get coffee. Yes please! As I got ready I decided I was not going to say anything to her. As long as I could keep it together, I was going to enjoy this day with her and not make it an emotional roller coaster. 


As we sat at coffee, I said lets drive to Park City. She beamed and said oh gosh mom that is perfect. She drove me through the canyon just like her dad drove. I began to giggle and told her, my palms are sweating. Just like they use to sweat when dad drove through here. She said oh gosh am I scaring you? No not scaring me, you just have to much of your dads blood in you. That going fast around corners gets me every time! She looked at me and gave me the same smirk Doug would give me when I'd yell at him to slow down. 


It was a beautiful day in Park City, the time we shared together, the conversations we had, the memories we made were priceless. Today in Park City is what life is about. I'm not sure if Z realized it was the 6th, or if she like me decided to not mention it, either way she made my weepy heart smile, we giggled together and we talked about Doug a lot. She nailed me pretty hard on our way home from Park City. We came around a corner and she smiled and said, mom the break over there doesn't work. Ok so I might have tried to break in the passenger seat, again reminding me just how much of her dad is in her. Thank you sister for an amazing day!


As I drove home from Ogden, only a few tears were shed. Saying see you soon always brings them, with it being 6 months without Doug brought some on, and knowing today (7th) was coming, Demi's 16th birthday, stirred up more. 


Six months, half of a year, seems like forever and just yesterday all at the same time. 


As we travel this journey I'm learning so much more about myself, about others, about situations, about timing, and how precious things truly are. I'm still learning just how strong my faith is, although if I'm honest I pushed it to the side. I'm being reminded even through this storm the Lord is doing good and working through myself and our trial. I am seeing how much Doug has instilled and influenced our three girls lives. I still shed tears daily, my heart still breaks, my soul still weeps for his presence and I miss his guts more than anything. But I can feel a small shift happening. 


Team Corta your prayers, support, kind words and continued outpouring of love to myself and my three girls are being felt. Thank You! 


Romans 15:13 May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit


Love and Blessings to all

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